blog as a time machine

for the last few days, i have been toying with the idea of writing again. i miss writing even though i have been seriously sporadic on frequency and severely limited on talent.

so before i restarted writing, i actually went back and read many of my posts over the last 2-3 years. and it felt like stepping into a time warp or getting into a time machine - i remembered exactly where i was when i was writing, what i wrote and why. it was a nice feeling.
i recently read a line which posed the profound question 'would you like you if you met you?'. having read my blog, i would be curious certainly, not sure about the liking bit though.

net net i thought i should start blogging again. i am older, fatter and wiser now. my family shrunk almost by half over the last eight months. i quit a job, changed cities, took a job, started being a full-time wife after two years of a weekend marriage, collected 3 new owl figures taking the count to 18. the more things around me change, the more i hold on to the things that make me, me.

and writing is defintiely me. hence blogging again.

if a tree fell in the woods

so what's the point of a blog that no one reads? why does a blog need to have a point? and if a blog exists and no one else reads it, is that a fail? who does it matter to? sorry, that should be 'to whom does it matter?'
such profound questions and no one to answer them.

in other news my left eye is bleeding.
not as in bleeding, but i have a few burst capillaries that are making me look a sight. my poor eyes get no rest and they have been through a lot. surgery for cysts in my eyelid which involved two anaesthetic injections in my eye [yes. in my eye], a scratch on my cornea due to a spectacularly stupid and close examination of a pruned spiky rubra palm, a sonography and angioplasty of both eyes..... and today a scary looking bloody spot in my eye. maybe i need to cultivate some hobbies other than reading.
because i doubt i will be able to read braille as fast as i do normal books.

when it is all peaceful

it is 7:20 am. the hyper koel that started around 5:30 am has finally shut up. the traffic noise is yet to start. having put in a couple of hours of work already, my head is quiet too. mmm peace.

happens to be my daughter's birthday today. she who was a tiny little baby with chubby cheeks and curly hair is now a svelte pretty fourteen year old. i remember her doing a schumacher in her little wheeled walker as she would scurry all over the place as fast as her cute fat legs could take her! i remember her hugging me sleepily when she would wake up. i remember her taking the first prize in a fancy dress contest as a little owl who recited the doggerel i made up for the occasion. my little mishti is quite the young lady now. i wish her joy and luck and every success.

cut to dec 2011

which is now.
and it's a different world, ladies and gentlemen.
where i routinely put in 10 hour days at the office and often have spent an hour or so finishing emails even before dawn.
where all the above is perfectly normal and not even worth mentioning.

one morning i was up and finishing work and shooting off emails just after 5 am. so one of the emails i had written was to my boss and i hit 'send' around 5:28 am. carried on with a few more emails till my inbox showed a new message. from my boss. in reply to my 5:28 am email, i had a reply at 5:34 am. and no he was not in another time zone where it was a more sensible time of day.
and there's another senior colleague who regularly replies to all her email only after 11pm. not on principle, she just does not have the time during the day.
i think we need to get a life.

one thing that has not changed is that mine is still a long-distance marriage. and that i still don't like the idea of it. and that there still isn't much i can do about it.

fast forward

i am back to blogging after almost two months. after the last update i was busy winding up and packing to move to pune, which happened in two instalments over may. and then i took up my new / old job.
which meant loads of work, restricted internet time, and being tired and lazy in turns.
hopefully may start writing again now.
to update on all that's happened in the last few weeks:
daughter's gone back to school.
j and dog are in mumbai.
i am buying a car of my own. for the first time ever. i need a name for my car... can't think of any yet. maybe i should call it rapture because it transports me?
am practising driving. which involves driving around on reasonably quiet roads early in the morning. no idea how that's going to prepare me to drive in the mad chaos that is peak rush hour traffic here.

onward

no little birdies came but i have had two big jet black crows stopping by for a drink of water at my window. i was very happy. though one of them actually brought his breakfast along... ewww. there are parrots and koels and bulbuls in the vicinity - even a pair of golden orioles - but so far, no glamourous visitors. my drinking tray is not on the birdie page three i suppose.

packers and movers start tomorrow and i will be in pune beginning this weekend. i expect there will be loads of mumbai-pune trips but this is pretty much it. i still have mixed feelings somewhere - am looking forward to being at peace in my own home but i do still love mumbai. what character, what personality this city has. sigh..

weekend

what a good weekend it turned out to be. was a sombre occasion actually but turned into simple family time, and of course loads of fun. j's sisters and their kids came over. though i guess i can't call them kids any more, the youngest of them turns 18 in another week.
there were people all over my house. two of my brothers-in-law chatting in the drawing room. my m-i-l with her daughters in her bedroom. four nieces and nephews plus one nephew's wife, plus my daughter and me all in my bedroom with j and any one of his sisters popping in and out of the room. food, silly jokes, laughter, dumb charades and a proverbial good time was had by all.

in other news, i have been keeping a small plastic tray of water every day on my window sill for the birds around. so far all the tray has attracted are dust and a sprinkling of moss.  :(
little birdies, will you not come have a drink with us?

today

seriously freaked out right now.
just turned around to notice a large envelope on my coffee table in office. when did that appear? who delivered it? how did i not notice it? my cabin has a wooden flooring and is just about 9' X 9' - how did i not even hear someone walk in to drop it off?? i tell you the internet will be my death some day.

so finally 'notice period' speeds up and i have mentally started the winding up process... organising my stuff, putting things in order so the next person gets clarity on what's what, and that kind of jazz. i will really miss my little office with the pretty walls and the smart chairs. and the squirrels on the tree outside. and the fact that i can play music in this office.

over the last few days i have realised that i lead a bloody good life. charmed life.
thank you world, universe, supreme being, god, whoever's responsible for giving me a smooth lovely life where things fall into place automatically and almost effortlessly. i truly have nothing to crib about - is that not fantastic?
:)

learning to like things

caught myself getting superstitious and worried about india's performance in world cup matches and i wondered, since when did i get so keen on this sport! this is all 'sangat ka asar'. living with a cricket fan has rubbed off finally.

j and i will complete 15 years of marriage this year, no wonder we have developed similar tastes. i was never a fan of chinese food till we started going out. riding horses was another thing i learned to do and eventually like, thanks to him. and now cricket - i actually read cricket news on the sports pages and am part of a cricket fans group on facebook! sure, this may last only till the world cup but even this is very out of character for me, who likes her activities more cerebral/ physically inactive than sweaty / sporty!!

this may also be my last few weeks at work here. nothing seems to have changed. there's loads to do with getting the other house ready, moving, shifting, daughter's shopping for her 10-day himalayan trek, driving practice lessons and generally winding up.

so often it is simpler to just let the time flow and things start falling into place. i like the fact that time passes, no matter what. inexorable and all that. whether you want it to or not. it's a wonderful way to deal with unproductive stress methinks.

summertime and the living is easy

easy is not the word to use when you talk of living in a city that has temperatures of 37 degrees celsius in the middle of the day. but i'm just hoping the positive thinking may make things better. i can dream right?

so in news, daughter's back home!! for two action-packed months.
she got back home just yesterday and we've already completed one shopping trip, one argument and one 'let's raid mom's wardrobe' session. today i am at work, i expect it is 'let's try on all of mom's footwear' in session at home. now sleepovers and meeting friends are on the cards for her.

i love having her home.

new depths of shallowness

talking about a married couple.

me :  when did she put on so much weight? she's not looking too good these days poor kid.
him : no wonder he doesn't want to take her out or spend time with her.
me : what rubbish! he's no adonis either. and anyway looks shouldn't matter in a relationship, should they?
[no comment]
me : what? looks matter so much? so you mean, if you and i didn't look the way we did when we first fell in love, we wouldn't have gotten together at all?
him : no.
[end of conversation].

how's that for brutal honesty?

on being a teenager now

i wonder how they do it these days. being a teenager was so much simpler when i was one. we studied, we had crushes, we sighed and went mushy with romantic songs, we giggled when we caught the right boy staring for just one extra minute.
or was that just boring old me?
i exchanged books and cassettes with the object of my affection, not weirdly spelled texts.  how dated.

the girls seem to be getting spunkier and somehow more 'with it'. feet on the ground and all that. i am biased of course, being the mother of a girl.
as for the boys... i see the boys with their carefully put together nonchalant looks and gelled spiked hair. their jeans that start as low as they possibly can. their flippant and careless use of mobile phones, outdone only by their irreverence for grammar.
and i think very soon my daughter's going to want to go out with one of them. god give me courage.

do.not.get.on.my.nerves.

right next to my cabin is a room that the office assistants use as a dining room. they are all technically 'office boys' though the youngest of them would be in his thirties. so the thing is this room shares an air-conditioning vent or something with my office and when the a.c. is switched off, i can hear every single word spoken in that room.
which is every day during lunch hour.
which is extremely annoying when one particular secretary joins them for lunch.
which is almost every day.

she is loud [literally and figuratively]. has a bossy tone of voice. talks a lot. often i just tune it out as i surf the net over lunch or read something or do the crossword. today my back is hurting so much i can barely stay put and i am not at my tolerant best.
she is expounding on some differences between 'aadmi log and aurat log'. having started off with some graphic descriptions of a college student who fell off her train this morning.
i can't even tell them to shut up coz this is the only private place they have to gather and chat for about an hour each day.

i can't escape my desk coz my back hurts and i don't want to move around if i can help it.

so i suffer.

sigh.

titleless

can't think of what to call this one.
my back pain is back. many many years ago, when daughter was about four or five, she fell asleep in the car on an outing. when we returned home, i didn't have the heart to wake her up and i carried her up four flights of stairs. the next morning i could barely  move. my doc sorted it out for me and told me to do some strengthening exercises. which of course, being an idiot i did not do.
so now every so often, the pain comes back. it is extremely uncomfortable and lingers for a few days. i deal with it in this fashion - groan and rest and take painkillers and wait for it to go away.

i watched the south africa india match on tv on saturday. that's hours of my life wasted, never going to get them back. damn i wish we'd won and made it worthwhile.

pretty chuffed coz on the crossword today i got 'family member with one in a mess maybe (7, 7)' with just an R and an O in place. some days i am smart. 12 words done today. not great. not bad either.

'robot' showed on tv last night. thoroughly enjoyed it. what a timepass movie! aishwarya rai looks absolutely amazing. incredible eyes, great skin, superb figure, simply beautiful. i just can't figure out what makes me dislike her.

pustak!

was recently reading about murakami's works and how he ran a pub / bar and then closed it and then ran and wrote and so on. and coincidentally saw his 'what i talk about when i talk about running' on a colleague's bookshelf.
wasted no time in borrowing it and will now read it through my lunch hour.
what would my life be like if there were no books?

the only time i have not read, in spite of books being around, was in goa at chattai last month. couldn't take my eyes off the sea.
and i had 'the hungry tide' in my hands which i had been waiting to read. even so, i who usually read bleddy fast managed about a couple of pages an hour.
simply because i couldn't stop watching the amazing, calm, immense sea and spotless, flawless, cloudless sky above it.
i miss goa :(

yipppeee

i got 20 words on the economic times [the daily mail] crossword today. all by myself. no cheating.

and i got the book i'd ordered from flipkart within 48 hours :)

kya khaak update likhoon

three weeks into my so called 'notice period' i expected things to be different. 
pune beckons but mumbai won't let go.
had a reunion with colleagues and friends from a previous workplace. it was, simply put, tremendous fun.
i saw a bunch of movies - 'yeh saali zindagi' ,  'tees maar khan' [finally. and why??], 'raktacharitra -2' and some other forgettable stuff.
read a bunch of books - 'sputnik sweetheart' by murakami, 'black swan green' by david mitchell, 'the fall of giants' by ken follett and am plowing through 'the new leader's 100-day action plan' which is of course is practically 'abhyaas' for me.
i wore a pretty blue sapphire ring, which promptly changed colour within a couple of weeks. have had to take it off coz it's looking bad. :(
i accepted finally that i am in love with two blogs - 'doing jalsa showing jilpa' which i have been reading for some months now and 'the vigil idiot' to which i was recently introduced.
i went on a 3-day weekend to goa and saw the most amazing horizon. EVER. i also saw a shooting star. :)

i noticed that a lot of the above starts with "i". i am so full of myself.
but then if i wasn't full of myself, perhaps i'd be empty.

crossing the rubicon

i have gone ahead with a decision that indicates i probably will stay away from husband and family for perhaps a year, or even more. at this point, it doesn't feel real. at this point, j and i are both convinced that it is the right thing to do. at this point, in fact, as always neither of us is capable of rejecting progress, of happily accepting the status quo.
only time will tell how this actually goes. like laura branigan sang...
"only time will tell what a heart is gonna do
only time will tell who's the dreamer, who's the fool
only time will tell..."
crossing my fingers.

in other news, i am off on a three-day weekend. without j. with a girl friend for company. and i wonder how come i've never done this before.
before that, tomorrow night is time to paaaarrrrrttttaaaaay!

being a hard-nosed so and so

today i got some startling feedback, am still chewing it over, trying to figure what it means and how best to tackle to it. safe to confess though that i am a little lost and more than a little surprised. one lives and learns i suppose.

was away in the cold cold north on work and came back with a massive cold and a sore throat. but it was a good trip work-wise and also personally.

free advice?

i confess, i am not a natural at spouting words of advice.
it's not that i can't. it's just that i cannot simply parachute into someone's situation and tell them how to handle it - i believe it may be rather insulting to be at the receiving end. nothing, well almost nothing gets my goat faster than people offering unsolicited advice to others.
being well brought up and naturally civil though, if i get free and unasked for advice, i grin and bear it and usually even heed the bits that sound good. so my problem is not with the advice bit, it is with the 'unsolicited' bit.
and my problem is not so much with the receiving bit, as it is with the giving bit.
i would rather watch someone fail than give them unsolicited advice.
which sounds weird, even to me. but i believe that each one of us makes the best choices possible given the situation. you know yourself the best, you know your strengths, your weaknesses, your constraints, your aspirations, and most importantly, you are the one who lives with your choices and their consequences.
if i am asked for advice, i promise i do my very best, i take more efforts than i would for myself, and i will try my best to figure out the best possible thing to do. but no, not unless i am actually asked for it.